I origionally wrote an amazing post earlier today, wich was one of those amazing creative writting experiences that i do not think I wil able to duplicate, but I will try my best to remember some of the stuff I wrote earlier.
I have had such a rough semester I cannot begin to write down everything, and I have previously attempted in other posts, but so far those posts seem like my words are scrambled and hard to understand. Since i have been back from spring break I have not felt like myself. This semester in general has been a crazy up and down rollercoaster ride that I have been able to hold on unitl returning from break. I thought that I was doing okay. I feel like a was getting along with people. I thought I had friends. I felt like I was doing well in my classes. So what has changed? In some ways "friends" have betrayed me. I have become so caught up in my thought and activities outside of my classes that I have fallen behind in some of my classes and I am trying to catch up. In the past couple weeks after being back from spring break I have been the closest to being depressed than any other time in my life. Multiple times over the course of a week, "Nobody cares!" comes to mind. I have had so many questions come to mind with what's been going on. Questions like, why am I doing youth ministry?
The most common topic for me to think through has been in light of how much time I have spent "people watching" lately. I pay attention to actions and words and body language and how people dress and I am still wondering why do people do what they do. we have our groups of people that we idnetify with and that I think is the key. IDENTITY. For example, my roommate is really interested in the game Dungeions and Dragons and computer games and role playing games. For the most part he is socially unplugged until you get him in teh classroom setting where his seemingly witty and knowledgeble side comes out. He dresses in practicly the same cloths every day and is what most would consider to be the stereotypical nerd. Now what is significant about all these characteristics about my roommate? I think that the significance is that they are teh materials that make up his identity. No matter the age of the person they are most likely are searching or in some way developing their identity.
I want to move into talking about fear and I will end up tying this back into the identity issue in a minute. Todays North American culture is built on the foundation of fear. Now I say this because of what I was just discussing about identity. the reason we have genres of movies and music and clothing styles and North American slang that is considered "cool" "sweet" "tight" or "sick" is because these are the things that make us acceptable to each other. I hope they like me and what I am wearing. I want to fit in. I want to be popular. These are all thoughts that travel through the typical teen or adolescent and many woudl agree with me. But these thoughts pass through everyone's mind. If we do not fit in then we go buy a new wardrobe or change how we talk or we pick up different interests like the computer and role playing games that my roommate likes. teh problem that we are driven by fear. I distinctly remember a phone conversation that I had with my Mom when I was a freshmen in college. "I don't want to change who I am just to be accepted by a group of people. I want to be me." I said to my Mom. I think I have kept to this statement over the last two years in college. NOT! I alomst wrote that down seriously. Whether I want to me initially honest about it or not, I have been changed to good and for worse while being here. In fact I have become really good at tayloring my words and body language to fit with the group of people I am around. Why? I am afraid.
Who wants to be alone. Nobody right? and that is why we change who we are to fit in. We don't want to be alone, and now that I am tired of being who I am not, I think I have become someone that not very many people or nobody identifies with. So now what? I am alone and I hate it, and I cry about it and I want to give up being here and I yell at God and tell him, "This is not what I signed up for. Multiple times a week I think, "Nobody cares."
Yesterday was Easter. Being here was frustrating. the sermon was good, but everything went as normal. The hymns in the service were sung with the usual drone of the congregation and it seemed like any other Sunday. Why? I was happy it was Easter. Christ died and rose again, and it was as if nobody cared. The morning sermon was on teh story of Lazarus being raised from the dead. The words the pastor spoke were so good. "Today Christ has risen from the dead and he has all power and dominion over death. When he call Lazarus out of the tomb he HAD to call him by name or else he would have call all the dead to life again." The words of Christ are so powerful. by his wounds we are healed. There is a song by Christ Tomlin, "Mighty is the power of the Cross", and the most powerful lines are, "What can take a dying man and raise him up to life again?". Automatically we think physical death, but what about spiritual death emotional death. So how does Jesus do this work in our lives? Would you agree that he often uses the people around us to spiritually and emotionally raise us to life again. Even if just through the words of a song.
It's not about you or me. It's about something and someone bigger than us.
"Shipwreck" by Starfield
I built a fortress
With a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe
With a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin
As You draw me in
I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new
'Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to see
Your life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be
You tell me my story
As You sift between the pages
I feel redemption
In the space between each turn
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms
And tell it just once more
