2 Weeks

Today is the 2 week mark until I am back in the States. This Monday I will fly back to Holland and spend the last 2 weeks there. Today the rest of the siblings of my host family flew over from Holland. They have a break this upcoming week so David, Bram and Louis are now here along with a couple of their friends as well. It is really nice to see some people my age, and it would have been really sweet to have them here the whole time I was in Ukraine, but incidentally they are all studying back in Holland, and it's kind of like we are switching places in a way. It is cool to have a full house( 9 people). We all took a walk through the city center this afternoon. On the week ends the city closes down the main street and it is full of people sitting on benches and taking a stroll.

This up coming week will be a challenge. Technically I am finished with my courses that I was taking for the 7 weeks in Ukraine, but scheduling was over booked in terms of assignments so my teacher wants me to finish them this next week while I am in Holland. I feel that they will just be a nuisance to complete, as well as hard to do them with going home on my mind. Yesterday was my final presentation for the internship that I had while here. I had spent the last week working on an outline and notes on what I was going to present based on what my teacher wrote in the syllabus. A few of the other missionaries that live here in Kiev came to hear what I had to say, which I appreciated. I knew all of them and I was comfortable with them coming. Something that was going to be nice was that the presentation was informal so we just sat around the table and then left things open for questions and discussion while I presented. The problem was that I started to present and then ended up only say a third of what I had prepared because the discussion/ questions moved in a different direction. What we talked about was relevant, but it was not what I had been studying and preparing for. Unfortunately I do not think well on my feet when it comes to public speaking and I felt like I stumbled over my words and did not give the answers they were looking for. As a result I think the grade for my presentation will not reflect the effort and work I put into it, nor the things I learned from my time here. Frustrating.

Well I don't really feel like writing much else for now. Thinking about the presentation again is a downer. I will try to write again soon.

Blahhhh.

Translation= I don't feel so good. I have about one and a half weeks left here in Ukraine. I have plenty of work to do by the end of next week and I will have limited time to work on it. This weekend I am supposed to travel to another town in the Southern part of the country. Last night I was here in Kiev, but I had spent 2 nights before that on the train. Me and Jos took a trip down to Odessa for a day and the train ride is over night in sleeper cars. So we slept on the train on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Then I had one night last night in a regular bed and will be sleeping in a sleeper train car again tonight as well as Monday night. To be honest I have no desire to go on this trip this weekend. It is just to visit 2 of the small Reformed churches down there. I really don't know what to expect, plus I don't feel 100%. It could be from the lack of sleep and the fact that dinner tonight consisted of french fries and what were basically chicken nuggets. It did not even taste that good, and now I feel a little stomach and headache. Yuck. It is a common occurrence where there will be some food left over and for some reason I am the one that is asked if I want to eat the rest, which I almost never do. Then if I say I don't want it, the dog eats it. It is as if the idea of covering it with saran wrap and putting it the fridge is a foreign concept.

I really just want to go home...like...now, or at least back to Holland. I am losing desire and energy to finish the semester. It is going to be really nice to have some down time when I get back. It is going to be really nice to not have young annoying host siblings to deal with too. Chris is 10 and he has got such a mouth on him I am ready to slap the turd. It is literally half my size and he mouths off like it's the other way around.

I really do want to write some more......at least my mind does, but y body doesn't feel like it. Plus I have to go pack some stuff for the weekend before I head out to the train station. The train leaves in a couple hours. I might not get the chance to post again until the middle of next week. I hope you all are doing well.

Blessings.

I don't think....

...anybody with ever find the song they are looking for. Now that you are thoroughly confused I will explain myself. In reading some other blogs during recent procrastination sessions, I have found that quoting lyrics from favorite or profound songs is fairly common in the blogging world. I can identify with that. I have posted a few myself and yet every time I am never fully satisfied.

Still confused...keep reading.

I have always wanted to write a song with lyrics that could masterfully explain on paper the essence of what goes on in my head. I suppose the reason for my posting lyrics on my blog is two fold. One I have never felt that I possess the poetic ability to write that song... whenever I have attempted it is a pitiful representation of what I want it to be. the second reason is in the hopes that a song that someone else has written will fulfill my desires for the song that so beautifully encompasses the ramblings and interesting thoughts that bounce around in my head. At least I think they are interesting.

In light of all this I find it interesting when others post song lyrics, because I have a sneaky suspicion that they are never quite satisfied with the lyrics either. Keep on searching fellow bloggers. Fight the good fight and find those lyrics. I know at least I am interested in what kinds of thoughts others wish to be expressed in words. And now for your ironic pleasure I will share some lyrics...

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend
Oh my God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God

Galatians 1:10

As you can see from the picture above, I have cut my hair. Boy have I ever. I knew it would be short, but it is just one of those things where I had to get used to the lack of hair and how much more my haircut accentuated the roundness and size of my head.

In other news, I went to a presbyterian church service with a family of one of the guys that Jos (my host Dad) works with. His Name is Scott and he has a wife and 3 very energetic adn precocious kids. The service was really good. I was able to sit next to a translator and it was nice to see the differences between this service and that of the Christian Reformed Church that I have been attending with Jos. We had a very good lunch with "make your own sunday" for dessert. So good. Then spent the afternoon talking and playing with the kids. Honestly the conversation I had with Scott and his wife was a huge help to so many things that have been on my mind.

Being a 3rd year student nearing the end of the year, it has come around to one of those times I have been rethinking again as to what I am doing at Dordt and why I am studying Theology and what is to become of me after I graduate and so on and so on. This has been the kind of thing that's been running through my head for the past couple months already and these periods have become a common biannual occurrence since I have been in college. As a result I have had the chance to have dinner with 3 different missionary couples since I have been to Kiev and naturally this the these topics naturally weave their way into the conversation when I am asked, "So what is your major? How do you like your school? What are your plans for after college?" Typical questions, and I do not resent them at all. These conversations time after time have been some of the most valuable parts of my visit to Kiev because I am wrestling this stuff in my head.

Today was so good for the simple reason that Scott understood my perspective and the kinds of things I have been wrestling with better than anyone I can think of in the past 3 years of college. In light of all of what we talked about, as usual I was understanding more and more about perspective, but something that kept running through my head was this verse...I had to look up the reference...

Galatians 1:10

"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

So I have all these questions about what I am supposed to do from here on out, and I honestly have some ideas I would love to pursue. All my life I have been so concerned about how others perceive me, and when I consider going for more school or an occupation or ministry I am interested in, my first reaction is that there are people who do not think I am cut out for that. There are people who will think I am not capable or do not have the ability to accomplish that...and often I move on and those ideas and possibilities left in a part of my brain that I have gone back to time and time again. It is a wonderful place where I dream of about a future that is not inhibited by money or the perceptions of others. It is a place where, if I stay there long enough, I believe that I am capable and desire it enough to accomplish this kind of future..........until doubts and assumptions of what others think sets in. My conversation with Scott was so valuable to me for the following reasons. We had been talking for a couple of hours already and I was explaining this process of what I love to do and how I would want to incorporate what I am passionate about into my work, and explaining my questioning why I am studying Theology and how does this translate to what I am doing after I graduate. Scott responded with an observation. "Over the course of this whole conversation in talking about what's going on for you and what you have been wrestling with, there has been one point where I saw a spark. I saw something you were passionate about and where you were genuinely enthusiastic about what you were talking about............and that was when you talked about music. When you play music, when you sing, when you listen to it."

I had met Scott just a couple times in passing before this, and before this conversation he really did not know a lot about who Joel Pilon is. I have always loved music. Scott explained something that one of his teachers in college had talked to him about. Consider where you are headed, what you are studying and what you love to do. Determine possiblities for your future--work, family, whatever. And then narrow it down. What is the one thing you love doing that if you came off of a long flight and you were jet lagged and tired and absolutely drained, you would still do this one thing because it is what you love.

Music.

I know this is going to seem cheesy and not mean that much to some of you, but whatever. The last 2 nights I watched the first and second halves of the movie Braveheart. Some of you know where i am going, and if you have yet to see this movie, I do not care what you have heard, it is applicable to everyone. It is worth your time. So I was watching Braveheart and it is just one of those movies that never gets old. the lines never lose meaning and they seem to never cease to inspire. In light of the conversation I had with Scott, I was watching the last part of the film last night, and there was one line that stood out.

"Of course all men die, but not every man truly lives."

It is just one of those films that make you feel like you could go run a marathon when the credits roll. Anyway more thoughts to come, but I will end it here for now.

Joel

Chernobyl

A couple days ago me and my host Mom took an excursion to the Chernobyl Museum in another part of downtown Kiev. It was really interesting to say the least, but sobering in many ways as well. We were fortunate enough to have a tour guide that spoke English, but at times we could not tell it what he was saying.

Some of the facts we heard were crazy. Roughly 91,000 people were evacuated from their towns and homes because of the incident. The explosion and fire occurred around 1am on April 26, 1986. Unfortunately the effects were astronomical that people in the surrounding areas did nothing for the first couple weeks because the government decided to basically ignore how bad the disaster really was.

The circumstances for the first couple days after the explosion were devastating to the firefighters and other workers who went in to clean up. They were given protective equipment, but even these workers were ignorant to what the radiation was doing to them. It is estimated that the protective gear they were given was protecting them from only about 1% of the radiation. And that was if they wore the gear. Most decided not to use it because of how heavy and awkward it was to wear while working. As a result the effects on their bodies was devastating. For every 2 minutes they spent in exposure to the radiation was estimated to take 2 years of life away. Many many workers died within weeks after the disaster. The radiation was so intense that devices they were using to measure it were worthless. The radiation was at higher levels then the devices could read.

The most fortunate part of the aftermath was the direction that the wind was blowing. The wind carried the majority of the radiation and damaging effects to the North. This is not to say that was not still very bad. But if the wind had been blowing South the radiation would have devastated the areas in and around Kiev and would have killed many more people...possibly in the millions. This is especially because the people in any direction of the disaster were not informed of the danger, and life carried on as usual. The day after the explosion The New York Times filled the entire front page and another half page of paper reporting on what had happened and the effects. That same day The Soviet Union Paper published 8 lines on the front page in the bottom left corner about the explosion. This was about the size of a small paragraph. That day more people in New York knew more about how bad the effects were then those being directly effected by it in Ukraine! It 2 weeks before Vladimere Putin made a public announcement about what had happened. But even then the evacuation process was near impossible for how many people were effected. There were a just over 100 buses and only 2 trains that were used to get people out of Kiev, which was not even close to enough.

The number of people that died because of the radiation is impossible to count or even estimate because of how massive of an area was effected by it. In the museum there were hundreds of pictures on the walls of just the workers that died from the disaster. Two men from the military received the highest award possible for their sacrifice, but this was only issued after their deaths, and their families only received a letter congratulating them on the award, but not saying that there husbands had died because of ignorance. For years after the disaster people were afraid of having children because they did not want handicapped children. The nearby forrest was so damaged by the radiation that the trees were glowing red, which is why that forrest is still call Red Forrest today.

The most amazing part of the tour was a video showing pictures of the aftermath. Through the whole video portions of the book of Ecclesiastes was recited in Russian. This was one of the most amazing experiences I have had while in Kiev.

Blessings to you all.

Checking in.

This past week has been challenging. My 10 year old host brother is acting just like a 10 year old, unfortunately. But that has only been an addition to other crazy events. Last weekend I spent Saturday and Sunday night in Rievna, which is about 400 kilometers west of Kiev. Me and a couple of the people from the mission team here in Kiev traveled over to visit the missionary couple from Holland that is living there. Over the weekend we visited 2 of the small Christian Reformed Churches in the area to check in with the pastors and elders and to see in which ways these churches need support. It was helpful to see the practical side of the mission work here in Kiev. Originally the plan was to travel straight from Rievna to another town a short drive south for a 3 day conference with the families of the Reformed Seminary students. But Sunday night did not turn out as planned.

While at the house with the missionary couple and the other missionaries from Kiev, I was checking my email in the study and then out of nowhere, blackout...nothing. I wake up lying on the floor with everyone standing around me and I am clueless. A couple of the guys help he sit up against the wall and ask me a few questions like, "do you know where you are? do you know who WE are? how are you feeling?". I was so confused. I recognized the people around me, but could not remember there names. I was still wondering why I was sitting on the ground and why I was not sitting at the desk checking my email anymore. Other thoughts running through my head included, "why is everyone staring at me? what just happened?" I was trying my hardest to answer the questions they were asking me and I was sure I knew the answers, but y brain was just not cooperating. And then after about 10 minutes of just sitting against the wall utterly confused, it all clicked. The one thing that I did understand and I was able to say..... "I just had another seizure." The man sitting next to me confirmed my realization and explained that they heard me fall. When they came upstairs to see what happened they found me on the ground moaning and shaking violently.

Honestly my first reaction was anger. I was so mad. This was not supposed to happen again. what is wrong with me. I am taking medication to prevent this. But the biggest problem was that I was already a month past the 6 months I had to wait to drive again. I just had to make it home for the summer and I was free to drive where ever I wanted. I had not (have not) driven a car in 15 months! I was crushed. It took all of 15 minutes for my thinking to clear up and to feel normal again. That night we decided I should go back to Kiev for a day or so before the conference. I took a small bus back on Tuesday. They call these things marshrutka's. They are basically an old, rickety, 20 passenger micro bus, and they are fairly inexpensive. If you need to get somewhere in Ukraine, there is probably a marshrutka that can take you there. Anyway, I took the 5 hour trip back by myself, which I found to be entertaining seeing as I know about 15 words in Russian, and everyone else on the marshrutka knew about -2 words in English. I thought it was funny and made the the best of it. The old babushka sitting next to me had about 2.3 gallons of old grandma perfume on, and half way through the trip she decided that my shoulder was a prime spot to take a nap on. I wish I had taken a picture. On Wednesday we traveled to the conference and things continued on as normal.

I actually enjoyed the conference quite a bit. The 2 speakers were a couple of pastors that had flown over from Holland, Albert and Albert. One of them was my teacher for my Cross Cultural Issues in Missions course that I had while still in Holland. It was really good to see him again. The topic of the conference centered around Covenant Relationships between ourselves, God, our families and friends. The place we stayed was very similar to the seminary I was at for the first week here in Ukraine. The meals were full of mystery meat, the dorm we stayed in was an adventure in itself, but the last night was by far the best. I have discovered by way of experience that hanging out in a sauna is a very popular way for Ukrainian men to socialize. So The last night of the conference about 10 of us hung out in the sauna for a while. It was quite an experience.

Well that's all for now. More to come soon. Thank you for all of your prayers and support.